After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'


The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


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The only man who had his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

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